One of the moments that makes school leaders most uncomfortable in coaching conversations is hearing somebody say, “I don’t know.” You ask what feels like a thoughtful question. There’s a pause. The colleague looks uncertain and suddenly says, “I don’t know.”
For many coaches, especially those new to coaching in schools, that moment can feel like the conversation has stalled completely. Usually, the instinct is to rescue the situation quickly. The coach rephrases the question. Offers suggestions. Asks another three questions immediately afterwards. Gives examples. Softens the silence. Moves into problem-solving mode. Most of the time, this comes from good intentions. Teachers are used to helping people move forward. We are trained to reduce confusion, provide clarity and keep conversations moving.
Coaching often asks us to do something slightly different. In reality, “I don’t know” is rarely the end of thinking. Quite often, it is the beginning of it. Sometimes the question feels too broad. Sometimes the answer feels risky. Sometimes the person genuinely has not had time to think deeply before responding. Sometimes something emotional or uncomfortable has been touched and they are not yet ready to articulate it clearly.
In schools, where coaching conversations often happen quickly between lessons, meetings and competing pressures, it can be tempting to treat silence or uncertainty as a problem that needs fixing immediately. But some of the best coaching happens when we resist that urge. One of the most useful things a coach can do after hearing “I don’t know” is pause slightly longer than feels comfortable. Not dramatically. Not awkwardly. Just enough to give the other person space to think rather than react.
Very often, people continue speaking if we allow the silence to breathe for a few extra seconds. The challenge is that many of us become uncomfortable before the other person does. A silence appears and we rush to fill it. The conversation shifts away from reflection and back into reassurance, advice or over-explaining before the thinking has had chance to develop.
Good coaching requires us to become better at diagnosing what might sit underneath “I don’t know” rather than reacting to the words themselves. Sometimes the question simply needs narrowing. A teacher might say “I don’t know” because the question feels too big or abstract. In those moments, helping somebody move from vague thinking into something more specific can be incredibly useful. Questions like: “What part feels clearest?” “When did this last happen?” “What’s one example of that?” can help somebody access thinking they already have without taking ownership away from them. The key is making the question smaller, not easier.
Other times, “I don’t know” carries something more emotional. A colleague might go quiet after a question because the issue feels uncomfortable, risky or exposing. In those moments, the most helpful response is often not another question at all, but reflection. “I noticed you went quiet there.” “Something about that question feels hard to answer.” Simple observations like these can help somebody feel understood rather than pressured. They also slow the conversation down enough for more honest reflection to happen.
Of course, there are also moments where somebody is simply stuck and needs a bit more structure to get moving again. That does not mean giving the answer. It might mean offering a few possible directions: “We could explore what’s happening now, what’s happened before, or what you want next. Which feels most useful?” Done carefully, this helps restart thinking while still keeping ownership with the coachee.
One of the most common patterns we see in schools is leaders becoming too responsible for the quality of the thinking in the room. As soon as somebody struggles, the leader starts working harder than the person they are coaching. Usually the coaching conversation becomes less reflective from that point onwards. The good news is that this is a learnable skill.
You do not need perfect coaching questions or a polished coaching style. Often, small shifts in how you respond to uncertainty can completely change the depth of a conversation. That’s exactly why we created our bitesized CPD course, Using “I Don’t Know” in Coaching Conversations. The course is designed specifically for teachers and school leaders who want practical ways to respond confidently when coaching conversations feel stuck, hesitant or uncertain.
Inside the course, we explore:
Created with
